The benefits to eating like a pig

Today’s post is inspired by The Daily Post’s daily prompt:

Think of something that truly repulses you. Hold that thought until your skin squirms. Now, write a glowing puff piece about its amazing merits.

Oh, no, Sir, don’t close your mouth on my account! Let me see you say, ah! delicious pizza! That’s the spirit, let it all hang out, for the world to see. It is very important that I know the contents of your dinner, for the free flow of information and such. So thank you for maintaining transparency in the workplace, there are no secrets between us, thank the heavens.

Go ahead, Ma’am, slurp your soup and your noodles and your coffee as loud as you can. We can all benefit from knowing how much you enjoy your liquids. And oh, do speak to me while you’re eating fried chicken or sliced apple or bits of persimmon, no, I don’t mind the spittle, what that? Oh it’s nothing, just a chunky product of your mastication. Good job, well chewed!

We can all suffer numerous benefits to eating like pigs. First, no one will want to stand too close to you, and personal space is of the utmost importance. Second, you can have all your food to yourself, since no one would want to eat from your plate after you’ve dribbled all over it. Third, and connected to the dribble, eating like a pig will force you to wash your clothes more regularly, and clean clothes are good. Happy eating!

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